#Personal: Feeling of having left something behind...

One inherent quality of people coming from small towns is that they always have this feeling of "having left something behind". This may not be always prominent or visible, but keeps seeping through the internal system. I think this little sorry feeling keeps them grounded.

I lived in my hometown protected by family till class 12th. Then I had to move to a big city for proper preparation for cracking IIT entrance exam. I remember clearly the day I was going away. Papa was coming with me; but mommy was left behind. She came to say good bye at the gate of our home. She kept looking at me while I walked away carrying some luggage. I was having a strong urge to not go. I felt that it would be better if the earth split and I went into it. Going away was not feeling "worth it" and tears flooded my eyes. But my legs kept moving and I went away.

After completing coaching in Lucknow, I was going back. I was on a rickshaw. I looked at the roadside, at the place I was leaving. Then I saw another student who was a local resident riding his bicycle and going somewhere. It took some time for him to gradually disappear from my vision. I still get flashback of that vision of his bicycle slowly getting left behind, many a time.

After engineering, leaving from Durgapur was different. A bunch of friends had come with me from our hostel to see me off at the railway station. In those days there were no taxi. We had boarded a public bus, carrying luggage with ourselves. Since I was in a group, I did not feel sad. I was jolly.  

After my first job at Raipur, I was leaving in a car. It had rained and there was mud on the road. I was looking outside the window realizing that I won't see that again. Suddenly, a splash of water hit me. I could taste the soil on my lips! I was horrified. I could not make out if the land was angry at me for leaving or if it was just saying good bye.

My most recent journey from Pune to Delhi was most emotional. I was serving 3 months' notice period and the duration made it more painful. Every day I would secretly wish that something happened and I could not leave. I even dreamt that my resignation data at company server gets erased accidently and I was left behind. The day before departure was very painful. In the morning I took pictures of our home in as usual condition. Then the movers-and-packers guys came and took away everything! I had my flight in the morning and hence slept alone in the home at night. I cried for a long time during the night.

The irony of life is that unless we leave some place, we can't reach some other place. But if we have to give up something in order to get something else, does it not make the "victory" incomplete? That is the tragedy of people on the move...

- Rahul