Here is a wonderful psychology article.
I never thought about it this way before. Feels great to read and understand. I
think “empathy” is key. Any relationships can work if both partners have some “empathy”
toward each other.
Why do relationships become
dysfunctional? There are many possible answers. Here is a notable one: The
tendency for the male partner to become the child in the relationship, while
his female partner becomes the mother. People react to this topic as if it is a
common phenomenon. Yet many couples continue to fall into this trap and few
people understand how it might occur. A colleague of mine adds that it is
common sense yet people aren't conscious of it when it happens in their
relationship.
The mother-child dynamic can happen
in a multitude of ways. First, let's look at role models. Research has
demonstrated that there are general differences in the way fathers and mothers
care for a child. Mothers take on the day-to-day caregiving activities and
responsibilities: Doctor appointments, extracurricular activities, checking the
homework. Fathers are, however, associated with play. In fact, many fathers
even turn responsibilities into play. For me, getting my son to school in the
mornings becomes a race against the clock. Children learn that men are
associated with play and women with responsibility.
A second aspect, though it may be
fading, is that men are taught to suppress certain emotions. Crying, for
example, is unmanly. Young men must keep their feelings in check and deal with
them in some undetermined, unexpressed, internal fashion. This internalizing
will then result in a magical fix. Internalizing may work for some feelings,
but in regard to relationships, it can be detrimental.
The man matures and now enters a
relationship. While in the courting stage his playfulness and childlike charm
are attractive and endearing. As the relationship progresses there may be signs
and attempts to curtail some of that playful behavior. Once he is married there
is often a shift for the man to become more responsible and
"grown-up."
For many married men, the wife may
start to become a mother figure. She may encourage less play (hanging out with
friends, heavy drinking) and behave in a more grown-up fashion. Here is the
male take on this sea change: "Before we got married she had fun, too. She
and I would go to a club together, she would drink and we would dance. Now she
wants no part of it." This mothering behavior often becomes even more
pronounced when children enter the relationship.
Another aspect that affects the
relationship: the tendency for men to feel slighted when a child comes along.
Most men would have difficulty admitting this, but it's a hard fact to deny.
This combination of feeling slighted and suppressing feelings is a recipe for a
relationship disaster. Many men will never voice their feelings, instead, they
look to fill their void from attention elsewhere. Much of this might be
unconscious with both partners unaware of what is happening.
There is no point in blaming either
party, but both men and women need to understand that these learned roles are
negatively impacting their relationships.
Recognizing the root of these
behaviors is not enough. People do not have to accept these roles and can
become aware of them and alter them before the relationship is damaged. Men may
be inclined to be more playful, and women to be more motherly, but with
knowledge of the roots of these motivations, partners can have improved
understanding, compassion, and dialogue.
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