Diwali Bakshish

I gave a small amount to the cleaning person who had come to collect garbage from the flat. He was a new guy whom I was seeing for the first time, and when I enquired, he said he was there since the old lady was on vacation. I decided to give Diwali 'bakshish' to him anyway. As soon as he got the money, his face lit up. I saw his face lit up and I immediately felt a bit sad. And then I immediately wondered about why did I feel sad. 

Everything looks simple but if we even start observing, things look more complicated than that. I wonder if I felt sadness because I noticed that he was poor and that is why his face lit up seeing the currency note. I have read that if we have empathy, we can feel other people's emotions. But due to empathy, I should have felt happiness since he was happy seeing the currency note. I think I felt sad because I felt "sorry for him"; and it means I was feeling "sympathy". And I don't like feeling sympathy for anyone anymore, because feeling sympathetic essentially "dissociates" us from the other person and I feel guilty dissociating myself from others. It feels "cruel" to dissociate from others. Feeling "sympathy" also gives an impression of a feeling of "superiority", because we feel sympathy mainly towards people who are in a worse situation than we are. So, somehow sympathy has got this negative connotation in my mind, although I know it is totally harmless and even noble to have such a feeling. But I do not want it. 

All these are small nuances which I am able to understand (or not understand) as I grow up. In college days, I read that the world is "not perfect". This idea helped me explain, explain or endure many things.  World is not perfect, and people are often not rational. Most of the problems are caused because different people have different ways about things, and they react differently in same situations. It is really surprising how the world is able to function in so much chaos.  

Sometimes, I wish to live in a world which is more equal and simpler, where we do not have to feel pity at others and do not have to drain ourselves emotionally every single day. To get there, it is ok even if we make our world more "mechanical", though it feels sad to imagine such a world. 

Every person is carrying a world with oneself and at times it feels we could do with a little less of such "world-bearing". And I know the starting point is under my feet, as I am part of this world too. 

- Rahul