Do’s and Don’ts for the Mother of the Bride

Countless research articles have been written about the epic relationship between a bride and her mother-in-law. ‘Saas-Bahu’ relationship has been the subject of thousands of stories, movies, plays and folklores. In all these, saas, or the mother of the groom, has been especially painted all black with little shades of white, if any. Daughter-in-law is the ultimate tormented soul and mother-in-law is the ultimate villain or vamp. This notion has been fixed in our collective conscience for generations. A lot of help or self-help literature is available for the new bride. Do’s and don’ts on how to survive the ‘new life’ has been written by one and all. In all this clutter, there is one character which has remained in the shadows but still commands position of great power. In fact her power is hundred times more effective because of remaining away from the public attention. That, my dear friend, is the topic of my article - Mother of the Bride.

If you happen to be in the shoes of mother of the bride, it is important that you follow a few do’s and don’ts. Following these will not only help you but also your daughter who is so dear to your heart.

1. Realize Your Special Place in the Relationship Matrix

First of all, you must realize that your position is not to be taken casually. You hold a very special place in the heart of your child, your daughter, and you must tread carefully. Just like you have protected your child from the time she was a baby till the point of time when she is now married, you are going to keep playing a very important role till a very long time to come. Realizing this will not only give you comfort but also strength and stability which are going to prove all very important to you and your child.

2. Do Not get Insecure; Do Not Think You are Irrelevant

If you think that after your daughter has got married you are about to become irrelevant to her is only going to make you insecure and will harm both of you. If you allow such an insecurity to seep into your psyche, you are going to act in a variety of manners like being possessive, over-protective and intruding – all these can be harmful for the success of your daughter’s happy married life, as described in more detail below.

3. Give Your Daughter Time to Adjust to the New Environment

After marriage most probably your daughter is going to move to a new place either at her in-laws’ place or at her husband’s separate place of residence. She will take time to adjust to the new family members, to the new ‘parents’-in-law, and most importantly to the groom who is going to be her life-partner. Brides undergo a variety of emotions due to this change which may appear ‘abrupt’ or ‘forced’ to her. She will show an inclination to long for her old life and may crave to find pretext to go back to you. At this stage, you must realize that just like a sapling needs to remain rooted enough in the soil for it to grow, your daughter must spend enough time with her husband and in-laws in order for their mutual relationships to grow. Therefore, control your emotional urge to bring your daughter back to you as soon and as frequently as possible due to pretexts and excuses which may appear ‘important’ enough to your heart.

4. Do Not Criticize the Son-in-Law or His Parents

Especially in case of marriages where bride and grooms did not know each other for long enough before marriage, they are still in an exploration phase. They would continue to know and discover new things about each other. So would you most probably. In this phase, it is natural for your daughter to worry or be critical about a few things about her husband or her in-laws. When she shares her concerns with you, it is important that you maintain a fine balance while sharing your opinion. Control and stop your urge to speak your mind without thinking the impact your words would have on your daughter’s mind. My suggestion is that you should never be openly critical about your son-in-law or his parents. Because very often daughters look for a guidance and inspiration from mothers when they share their concerns and your criticism may compound your daughter’s negativity. All such negative emotions can only attract more negativity and make matters worse.

5. Do Not Intrude into your Daughter’s Life

At times you will have to control your urge to spoon-feed your daughter with advices and guidance which you might have gotten into habit to deliver to her. Realize that your daughter is now a grown-up woman and she needs to learn to stand tall by herself. She is not going to become all wise and strong merely by your advices. Let her try things out and learn from her mistakes. In the new environment she will sometimes need to make mistakes, take a step back and adjust. Your suggestions and daily doses of guidance may appear noble to you but those will harm your daughter’s prospects in the long term. I have used a harsh word ‘intrude’ to describe it for a purpose. Stop a temptation to pre-calibrate your daughter. It is much better to let her ask for help and then offer suggestions in an impartial manner which would be good both for your daughter and her new family.

6. Be Watchful But Maintain a Healthy Distance

While your daughter has been an inseparable part of you for her whole life and you feel the urge to keep watching out for her and protecting her, it is much better to control this urge a little after your daughter gets married. Maintain a healthy distance, a kind of ‘detached’ association in which you are watching your daughter but never crossing the line. Your over-protection would make your daughter come back to you on smallest pretexts and it won’t allow a strong ‘bond’ to develop between her and her in-laws. It is like if you keep feeding a baby with milk, the baby won’t ask for milk from anyone else. Similarly, if you keep filling whole of the emotional needs of your daughter, she is going to feel ‘filled’ always and she would never need to quench some of her emotional thirst by bonding with her husband or in-laws.

7. Let Her Cope Up With Difficult Times As Well

Like the way life is designed, there is going to be ‘good times’ and ‘bad times’. After her marriage, there will be a phase when your daughter will face some serious challenges. During such a phase it is important that she should ‘grow’ and rise up to the occasion. Therefore you must control your urge to be over-protective. Allow your daughter to face the tough times alongside her husband and her in-laws. The mutual love and respect they will develop while coping up with the tough times together are going to be ‘assets’ for her whole life.

8. Self Analyze Your Behavior and Keep Correcting

Life is such that at times we get overboard. Therefore it is important for you to do self-analysis every once in a while and answer for yourself if you are doing it well or not. You can have your own methods to know when to do this. For example, after every call your daughter makes to you to share some problem or concern, just pause and think in a detached manner. Due to what you have said to her, is she going to develop better relationship with her husband and her in-laws? If the answer is yes, you are a fabulous mother. If the answer is no and you think you have worsened your daughter’s problems, take corrective actions immediately. After a while this will come naturally to you.

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Being a mother is perhaps the world’s greatest gift. But giving your child a healthy development is even greater in many aspects. When you realize that your behavior is going to impact rest of your daughter’s life, you are bound to be more careful. Remember that your daughter is going to spend more years with her husband than she has spent with you. But she is not going to learn ‘life-lessons’ again – she is going to act in the manner you have taught her. Therefore being a responsible mother, you must control yourself more than you try to control your daughter. A healthy and positive relationship between you and your daughter is very important for success of your daughter’s marriage.

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[Disclaimer: This piece is written by Rahul Tiwary who is Not a Relationship Expert. Views expressed are his personal and do not reflect views of the organization he is professionally associated with.]