Countless research articles have
been written about the epic relationship between a bride and her mother-in-law.
‘Saas-Bahu’ relationship has been the
subject of thousands of stories, movies, plays and folklores. In all these, saas, or the mother of the groom, has
been especially painted all black with little shades of white, if any.
Daughter-in-law is the ultimate tormented soul and mother-in-law is the
ultimate villain or vamp. This notion has been fixed in our collective
conscience for generations. A lot of help or self-help literature is available
for the new bride. Do’s and don’ts on how to survive the ‘new life’ has been
written by one and all. In all this clutter, there is one character which has
remained in the shadows but still commands position of great power. In fact her
power is hundred times more effective because of remaining away from the public
attention. That, my dear friend, is the topic of my article - Mother of the
Bride.
If you happen to be in the
shoes of mother of the bride, it is important that you follow a few do’s and
don’ts. Following these will not only help you but also your daughter who is so
dear to your heart.
1.
Realize Your Special Place in the Relationship Matrix
First of all, you must realize
that your position is not to be taken casually. You hold a very special place
in the heart of your child, your daughter, and you must tread carefully. Just
like you have protected your child from the time she was a baby till the point
of time when she is now married, you are going to keep playing a very important
role till a very long time to come. Realizing this will not only give you
comfort but also strength and stability which are going to prove all very
important to you and your child.
2.
Do Not get Insecure; Do Not Think You are Irrelevant
If you think that after your
daughter has got married you are about to become irrelevant to her is only
going to make you insecure and will harm both of you. If you allow such an
insecurity to seep into your psyche, you are going to act in a variety of
manners like being possessive, over-protective and intruding – all these can be
harmful for the success of your daughter’s happy married life, as described in more
detail below.
3.
Give Your Daughter Time to Adjust to the New Environment
After marriage most probably
your daughter is going to move to a new place either at her in-laws’ place or at
her husband’s separate place of residence. She will take time to adjust to the
new family members, to the new ‘parents’-in-law, and most importantly to the groom
who is going to be her life-partner. Brides undergo a variety of emotions due
to this change which may appear ‘abrupt’ or ‘forced’ to her. She will show an
inclination to long for her old life and may crave to find pretext to go back
to you. At this stage, you must realize that just like a sapling needs to
remain rooted enough in the soil for it to grow, your daughter must spend
enough time with her husband and in-laws in order for their mutual
relationships to grow. Therefore, control your emotional urge to bring your daughter
back to you as soon and as frequently as possible due to pretexts and excuses which
may appear ‘important’ enough to your heart.
4.
Do Not Criticize the Son-in-Law or His Parents
Especially in case of
marriages where bride and grooms did not know each other for long enough before
marriage, they are still in an exploration phase. They would continue to know
and discover new things about each other. So would you most probably. In this
phase, it is natural for your daughter to worry or be critical about a few
things about her husband or her in-laws. When she shares her concerns with you,
it is important that you maintain a fine balance while sharing your opinion.
Control and stop your urge to speak your mind without thinking the impact your
words would have on your daughter’s mind. My suggestion is that you should
never be openly critical about your son-in-law or his parents. Because very often
daughters look for a guidance and inspiration from mothers when they share
their concerns and your criticism may compound your daughter’s negativity. All
such negative emotions can only attract more negativity and make matters worse.
5.
Do Not Intrude into your Daughter’s Life
At times you will have to
control your urge to spoon-feed your daughter with advices and guidance which you
might have gotten into habit to deliver to her. Realize that your daughter is
now a grown-up woman and she needs to learn to stand tall by herself. She is
not going to become all wise and strong merely by your advices. Let her try
things out and learn from her mistakes. In the new environment she will sometimes
need to make mistakes, take a step back and adjust. Your suggestions and daily
doses of guidance may appear noble to you but those will harm your daughter’s
prospects in the long term. I have used a harsh word ‘intrude’ to describe it for
a purpose. Stop a temptation to pre-calibrate your daughter. It is much better
to let her ask for help and then offer suggestions in an impartial manner which
would be good both for your daughter and her new family.
6.
Be Watchful But Maintain a Healthy Distance
While your daughter has been
an inseparable part of you for her whole life and you feel the urge to keep watching
out for her and protecting her, it is much better to control this urge a little
after your daughter gets married. Maintain a healthy distance, a kind of ‘detached’
association in which you are watching your daughter but never crossing the
line. Your over-protection would make your daughter come back to you on
smallest pretexts and it won’t allow a strong ‘bond’ to develop between her and
her in-laws. It is like if you keep feeding a baby with milk, the baby won’t
ask for milk from anyone else. Similarly, if you keep filling whole of the emotional
needs of your daughter, she is going to feel ‘filled’ always and she would
never need to quench some of her emotional thirst by bonding with her husband
or in-laws.
7.
Let Her Cope Up With Difficult Times As Well
Like the way life is designed,
there is going to be ‘good times’ and ‘bad times’. After her marriage, there
will be a phase when your daughter will face some serious challenges. During
such a phase it is important that she should ‘grow’ and rise up to the occasion.
Therefore you must control your urge to be over-protective. Allow your daughter
to face the tough times alongside her husband and her in-laws. The mutual love
and respect they will develop while coping up with the tough times together are
going to be ‘assets’ for her whole life.
8.
Self Analyze Your Behavior and Keep Correcting
Life is such that at times we
get overboard. Therefore it is important for you to do self-analysis every once
in a while and answer for yourself if you are doing it well or not. You can
have your own methods to know when to do this. For example, after every call
your daughter makes to you to share some problem or concern, just pause and think
in a detached manner. Due to what you have said to her, is she going to develop
better relationship with her husband and her in-laws? If the answer is yes, you
are a fabulous mother. If the answer is no and you think you have worsened your
daughter’s problems, take corrective actions immediately. After a while this
will come naturally to you.
***
Being a mother is perhaps the world’s
greatest gift. But giving your child a healthy development is even greater in
many aspects. When you realize that your behavior is going to impact rest of your
daughter’s life, you are bound to be more careful. Remember that your daughter is
going to spend more years with her husband than she has spent with you. But she
is not going to learn ‘life-lessons’ again – she is going to act in the manner
you have taught her. Therefore being a responsible mother, you must control
yourself more than you try to control your daughter. A healthy and positive
relationship between you and your daughter is very important for success of
your daughter’s marriage.
***
[Disclaimer: This piece is
written by Rahul Tiwary who is Not a Relationship Expert. Views expressed are
his personal and do not reflect views of the organization he is professionally associated
with.]
