He can be considered a typical Indian
man. He grew up in a small town under a protective, large family. He had a
happy childhood. He grew up to be an “idealistic” young man, which is perhaps common
for those who have a happy childhood. By the time he completed his graduation,
he started thinking about the natural subject of “marriage”.
When he thought about marriage, the
first idea that came to his mind was “friendship”. This may sound cheeky, but
it was not so for him. It was based on practicality for him. Every time he had
changed classes, schools or cities, he had to make new friends. He never could
enjoy long lasting friendships due to this reason. Hence, when he thought of
marriage, he thought of an opportunity or privilege of having a “permanent
friend”. He wanted to talk, discuss, share things, and have long walks with his
wife. At this point, we can understand that when he thought of marriage, he
unconsciously always thought of “happy marriage”.
Like it happens in typical
traditional Indian families, he left the job of finding a partner for him on
his parents. And they found a partner for him, based on their understanding of
who was suitable for him. And it turned out to be a total disaster.
Initially, he could not understand
what was going wrong. His spouse would behave and react differently. She would
pickup fights on silliest of things. Many times, suddenly, she would start
criticizing and talking bad things about his parents, sisters and family. He
thought it was just a difference in temperament. But with time, he kept getting
more confused, because a lot of behavior seemed to be “deliberate”. He
remembers the first time he “cried” after getting married. His wife started
saying nasty things about his mother and he could not stop her with reason,
arguments, or anything. He felt helpless. He could not understand her. His dilemma
was because fundamentally he considered her as his family; and a family member
is not supposed to hurt us or speak nasty things against us. He had never seen
such a person before, forget about such a “family member”. She did not sound
like a family member, she did not behave like a family member, and she did not
act like a family member. He had never interacted with such a person before and
he did not even know that people with such thinking and behavior existed in
society. He felt overpowered with emotions and cried. And that was just the
first time he cried. His suffering went on over many years.
He tried all his natural responses.
He tried to persuade and calm her down by being gently and it failed. He became
angry and argued with her and that also failed. Nothing seemed to work. And her
behavior and pattern kept getting worse.
Fast forward a few years. By this
time, he read about this subject and became more aware. He got to realize that
this was a case of “emotional abuse”. In his protected childhood and upbringing
under a friendly environment, he did not know that people were able to
emotionally abuse others in this manner. And abusing family members was behind
his imagination.
He tried to get out of the situation,
but he could not. He felt trapped. And the emotional abuses kept getting worse.
At one time, he started thinking about ending his life. Yes, the ambitious,
idealistic young man who wanted to do great things in his life for himself and for
society; who took great interest in spiritualism and religion, that man pondered
about life “if it was worth it”. Having thought about it for some time, he
stopped. When you imagine the worst, it can only go better. When he saw the end
of the world, the daily routine looked more tolerable to him. He decided to
hang on until he could.
There are some important messages in
this.
When most of us think of “marriage”,
we think of only “happy marriage”. We never factor in the prospect of a “bad
marriage”. We are not equipped to handle “bad marriage” scenario.
Our families never prepare us to face
a “bad marriage” scenario. Our society does not encourage us to even talk about
this subject, forget about doing something about it. Our laws are designed to
help survive “bad marriage” scenario by keeping the “patients” on “ventilator”.
And it is a sad situation.
The most important lesson is that we
need to be prepared to face “bad marriage” scenarios. Our society need not try
to hide it under the carpet. Life is not a bed of roses. If we are prepared to
see life in more practical manner, our decisions would be more practical, and
we shall be in a better situation to handle our life. We need to tell our
children that bad people exist, evil people exist, and abusive people exist. We
need to be prepared to face the worse. Our society as well as laws are designed
to prioritize “survival” over “success” of marriage. We need to change that; since
our world has changed.
At the same time, we should assess our
situation and not take things for granted any more. If you have got a “tolerable”
spouse or a tolerable marriage, you are in much better situation. If you have
got a caring spouse, you are lucky. And if you have got a spouse who loves you,
you are one in a thousand. And then, you need to give back to him or her. If
your spouse loves you, never take him/her for granted. He/she needs it as much
as you do. So, give back.
Bad marriage scenarios make us
humble. We are able to see things which others can’t. We are able to suffer in
ways others can’t. We are also able to find relief in ways others can’t. If
human life is a miracle, surviving bad marriages is super natural in a way. So,
be proud of it.
No one knows what life has in store
for us. Ups and downs are part of life. We can never control all aspects of our
life. But still, a lot of things are in our control. We can control how we
behave. And that will mean a lot to someone else. We may be suffering or may be
having a great time; but we should think of how it is impacting others around
us. We should try our best not to hurt others.
From long back, I remember the “Gtalk
status” of a friend which she had put immediately after her marriage. She had
written something like, “there is nothing as wonderful and enjoyable as a happy
marriage”. I have never forgotten that. Because I can understand its value. Do
you?
- Rahul Tiwary
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