Ego-Attachment Vs Love

I have kept an opinion that if you love someone, you can’t hurt him/her at the same time. Love is not a ‘temporary’ state of mind which can change with situations. If you love someone, you would be kind and harmless to the person, ‘always’. Even though at times you need to be strict or tough with the person, deep within you would still be feeling love for him/her. If this doesn’t happen, there is some problem. There is no judge other than your heart – you just need to keep calm and ask your heart if you love the person, despite his/her flaws, despite the problems and disputes, despite good or bad times, and the answer has to be “yes”. If the answer is “no” on some days, and a “yes” on some others, there is a problem.

On the other hand, a lot many of us do what can be called “conditional love” to take it in most optimistic sense. If you love a person if he/she does something or doesn’t do something, there is a problem. If you love a person only if one says something to you or if doesn’t say it, or to others, there is some problem. Such states of relationships are “conditional”. Until one fits into that criterion, or those criteria which you set in your mind, you would love one, the moment one behaves contrary to that, you would hate one – this is anything but love. The term “love” takes with it characteristics like care, empathy, non-violence, surrender, loyalty, without saying.

Some days back I read a book where the author not only confirms my thoughts but also takes it further. What I call conditional love, he correctly calls it ‘ego-attachment’. Here is an extract:

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love”, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long.

If in your relationship you experience both “love” and the opposite of “love” – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strange ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a time when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.” (P91-92)

Ref: Chap. 7, ‘Practicing the Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, Yogi Impressions

- Rahul

Book Review: Oneness With All Life

Oneness With All Life: Inspirational Selections from A New Earth

Treasury Edition

By Eckhart Tolle

Michael Joseph: an imprint of Penguin Books

ISBN: 978-0-718-15541-4

Eckhart Tolle is a Canadian (born in Germany as Ulrich Tolle, in 1948) spiritual teacher and bestselling author. I have written about him and his book “The Power of Now” here [Link].

This book titled “Oneness With Life” has been created with some passages picked from the original book A New Earth. These passages are inspirational and meditative in nature. The book is divided into chapters with some themes. Passages of varying length would appear one after the other, trying to give readers a lot of food for thought.

Some random portions:

There are no random events, nor are there events or things that exist by and for themselves, in isolation. The atoms that make up your body were once forged inside stars, and the causes of even the smallest event are virtually infinite and connected with the whole in incomprehensible ways.

If you wanted to trace back the cause of any event, you would have to go back all the way to the beginning of creation.

The ego’s greatest enemy is the present moment, which is to say, life itself.

Most egos have conflicting wants. They want different things at different times or may not even know what they want except that they don’t want what is: the present moment.

What is the relationship between awareness and thinking? Awareness is the space in which thoughts exist when that space has become conscious of itself.

There are three words that convey the secret of the art of living, the secret of all success and happiness: One with life. Being one with life is being one with Now. You can then realize that you don’t live your life, but life lives you. Life is the dancer, and you are the dance.

About his thoughts and philosophy, I would repeat what I said in my previous book review: After reading this book, I felt a curious connection to philosophies of Hinduism and Vedanta. When I searched about the author, I came to know that Tolle has been quoted as saying, "I feel actually that the work I do is a coming together of the teaching 'stream', if you want to call it that, of J. Krishnamurti and Ramana Maharshi". Tolle himself has mentioned texts such as the Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita and other Hindu scriptures, the Buddhist scriptures, etc, and after coming to know this I think the connection is more real.

I believe reading the original book would be more beneficial for readers. Those who have read it can read this gradually to reflect on certain portions.

- Rahul

Book Review: Practicing the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

‘Practicing the Power of Now: essential teachings, meditations and exercises from The Power of Now’

By: Eckhart Tolle

Yogi Impressions

ISBN: 81-901059-7-3

Eckhart Tolle is a Canadian (born in Germany as Ulrich Tolle, in 1948) spiritual teacher and bestselling author. He published his first book "The Power of Now" in 1997 which reached the New York Times Best Seller lists (in 2000).

The life story of Eckhart is like a rollercoaster. Eckhart had an unhappy childhood. His parents fought and separated. He suffered all through with depression, anxiety and fear. At age of 22 or so he decided to pursue studying philosophy, psychology, and literature and enrolled in the University of London. After this, he was offered a scholarship to do research at Cambridge University as a postgraduate student. His depressions didn't stop even then. But one night in 1977, at the age of 29, after having suffered from long periods of suicidal depression, Tolle says he experienced an "inner transformation." The next morning, he felt everything was miraculous and deeply peaceful. He practiced long sessions of meditation and reflected on the life and things within and around him. His book "The power of Now" came much later, in 1997. It gradually gained popularity and ultimately deserved the place in the New York Times Best Seller list.

The book starts with a discussion on the eternal, ever present ‘One Life’ beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death; which we call God. The author calls it Being. Now the author’s concept of Being (or God) can be reflected upon in his these sentences:

“Being is not only beyond but also deep within every form as its innermost invisible and indestructible essence. This means that it is accessible to you now as your own deepest self, your true nature. But don’t seek to grasp it with your mind. Don’t try to understand it. You can know it only when the mind is still. When you are present, when your attention is fully and intensely in the Now, Being can be felt, but it can never be understood mentally.” (P20)

I found his concept of God to be similar to the one in Hinduism, or particularly in Advaita Vedanta. His thoughts on freedom can be seen in these sentences:

“The beginning of freedom is the realization that you are not the possessing entity – the thinker. Knowing this enables you to observe the entity. The moment you start watching the thinker, a higher level of consciousness becomes activated.” (P22)

I felt these thoughts were none different than the ones from J. Krishnamurti. The connections don’t end here: read these lines and find how these are different from the teachings of Geeta, when Lord Sri Krishna asked us to do action without bothering for fruits of action:

“Do not be concerned with the fruit of your action: just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord. This is a powerful spiritual practice.” (P48)

The book also covers topics like rising above thoughts, body’s reaction to mind, origin of fear, dissolving unconsciousness, relationship as spiritual practice, acceptance and surrender, etc. His thoughts are powerful. For example, he says on pain and attachment:

“To suddenly see that you are or have been attached to your pain can be quite a shocking realization. The moment you realize this, you have broken the attachment.” (P88)

In the chapter seven, “From addictive to enlightening relationships”, he writes:  

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love”, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long.

If in your relationship you experience both “love” and the opposite of “love” – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strange ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a time when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.” (P91-92)

After reading this book, I felt a curious connection to philosophies of Hinduism and Vedanta. When I searched about the author, I came to know that Tolle has been quoted as saying, "I feel actually that the work I do is a coming together of the teaching 'stream', if you want to call it that, of J. Krishnamurti and Ramana Maharshi". Tolle himself has mentioned texts such as the Tao Te Ching, the Bhagavad Gita and other Hindu scriptures, the Buddhist scriptures, the Old Testament and the New Testament. And after coming to know of all this, some of my doubts got cleared.

It’s a wonderful book to read. Though I found that the original book “The Power of Now” would be much better to read and this one in the series should be read by those who liked the first one.

© Rahul