Attachment

A couple of weeks back, a senior colleague happened to visit our work location. He had helped me many times before on some assignments and I thought I shared good rapport with him. Memories of how I had questioned him on technical topics and he had explained things so well to me, were fresh in my mind. When we met, we went on very well. We talked about a host of things, from work related to personal. We also discovered a common friend, who was his classmate and my ex-colleague. I thought I had found a good pal in him.

Recently he was relocated to another location onsite. In fact it was like a promotion for him. When he joined from there, he stopped replying or explaining things to me. I was conscious about his elevated position and hence didn’t push, but his ‘silence’ was troubling me. It also so happened that I would ping him but he won’t reply and would leave the chat as it was. I would send him emails asking for some clarifications to which he won’t reply, even though he was designated to help me in this project! I thought he may be busy, but his “status” on Communicator was always “green”. Now I started wondering what the reason was. Thought came to my mind if it was the common friend who had spoken something ill about me to him and hence he was cutting me off? Or was it that he was too much conscious of his elevated position and hence won’t reply to me like before? Was he finding his new position challenging, was already troubled with the things he was doing, and hence he found my enquiries uninvited?

Today, I couldn’t contain myself. I had sent two emails to him this morning, to which he hadn’t replied. Of course I had sent separate emails to other senior colleagues too, as my plan B, and I had managed to do my work, but that was not the point. I seemed to be troubled by him ignoring me! Despite the fact that I thought he was a friend! I pinged him and asked him exactly this: “you have become very silent these days :)” with a smiley and all small fonts, to appear friendly. This time, to my surprise, he replied, “may be....but am quite busy”. Just this much. I didn’t want to appear pushing, so I accepted it readily and replied, “ok ok, your status remained green so I wondered... no issues..”. And then I went for tea. When I got back, I saw his reply to the last one as “i don't bother to change the status msg :)”

So it indeed was because he was busy. May be, or maybe not. It can be that he has grown snobby and was indeed avoiding me. No matter what the reason was, why was I troubled? I think the reason why I was troubled was because I felt an “attachment” for him. I thought I cared for him and hence was hurt when I couldn’t feel an affirmative “return gesture”. The roots of my trouble were not in his behavior, but in my own feelings. My attachments.

When he said, “may be....but am quite busy” I felt hurt. In my true self, I cried in my inside. Why? Because his behavior was not nice to me; he whom I cared about and “expected” a similar return gesture. He may be behaving like this to everyone now a day, but not everyone would be feeling hurt. Was it because no one else cared for him? Certainly not. But may be others didn’t feel that kind of attachment which would require a return gesture. Was I selfish? Was I really “expecting” something in “return”? I wonder if I am like this to a colleague in office known for a month, how I would feel if someone I loved truly behaved with similar “unaffectionate” way. Why to keep such a sensitive heart, which gets hurt so often?

I think getting hurt because of being sensitive is “part of the parcel”. If one has not got that sensitive heart, one would not enjoy those small little joys of life which one doesn’t see from one’s physical eyes but can only feel from heart. Only those can fall who have risen first. Only those can feel lonely who have had a company. Only those can feel hurt who have been touched before. I think yes, it is part of the parcel… It is part of being us…  Part of being me.

- Rahul

PS: In the above text, I look like justifying attachment, which I also think is the reason of human misery; yet it is so very part of us…

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PS: (after 1 month): I think it has become quite clear now. He has taken his new position/responsibility very seriously and is working in much cautioned manner. He is now more introvert and formal with everyone. (At times bossy too) Perhaps he had to make this forced transformation because he is quite young by age for his role. Anyways by now I am perfectly at peace with the change. :)

Ego-Attachment Vs Love

I have kept an opinion that if you love someone, you can’t hurt him/her at the same time. Love is not a ‘temporary’ state of mind which can change with situations. If you love someone, you would be kind and harmless to the person, ‘always’. Even though at times you need to be strict or tough with the person, deep within you would still be feeling love for him/her. If this doesn’t happen, there is some problem. There is no judge other than your heart – you just need to keep calm and ask your heart if you love the person, despite his/her flaws, despite the problems and disputes, despite good or bad times, and the answer has to be “yes”. If the answer is “no” on some days, and a “yes” on some others, there is a problem.

On the other hand, a lot many of us do what can be called “conditional love” to take it in most optimistic sense. If you love a person if he/she does something or doesn’t do something, there is a problem. If you love a person only if one says something to you or if doesn’t say it, or to others, there is some problem. Such states of relationships are “conditional”. Until one fits into that criterion, or those criteria which you set in your mind, you would love one, the moment one behaves contrary to that, you would hate one – this is anything but love. The term “love” takes with it characteristics like care, empathy, non-violence, surrender, loyalty, without saying.

Some days back I read a book where the author not only confirms my thoughts but also takes it further. What I call conditional love, he correctly calls it ‘ego-attachment’. Here is an extract:

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love”, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long.

If in your relationship you experience both “love” and the opposite of “love” – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strange ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a time when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.” (P91-92)

Ref: Chap. 7, ‘Practicing the Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, Yogi Impressions

- Rahul