Ego-Attachment Vs Love

I have kept an opinion that if you love someone, you can’t hurt him/her at the same time. Love is not a ‘temporary’ state of mind which can change with situations. If you love someone, you would be kind and harmless to the person, ‘always’. Even though at times you need to be strict or tough with the person, deep within you would still be feeling love for him/her. If this doesn’t happen, there is some problem. There is no judge other than your heart – you just need to keep calm and ask your heart if you love the person, despite his/her flaws, despite the problems and disputes, despite good or bad times, and the answer has to be “yes”. If the answer is “no” on some days, and a “yes” on some others, there is a problem.

On the other hand, a lot many of us do what can be called “conditional love” to take it in most optimistic sense. If you love a person if he/she does something or doesn’t do something, there is a problem. If you love a person only if one says something to you or if doesn’t say it, or to others, there is some problem. Such states of relationships are “conditional”. Until one fits into that criterion, or those criteria which you set in your mind, you would love one, the moment one behaves contrary to that, you would hate one – this is anything but love. The term “love” takes with it characteristics like care, empathy, non-violence, surrender, loyalty, without saying.

Some days back I read a book where the author not only confirms my thoughts but also takes it further. What I call conditional love, he correctly calls it ‘ego-attachment’. Here is an extract:

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love”, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency. It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate relationships before long.

If in your relationship you experience both “love” and the opposite of “love” – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strange ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.

But there comes a time when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface.” (P91-92)

Ref: Chap. 7, ‘Practicing the Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, Yogi Impressions

- Rahul