Article: Femininity is Fragile

I came across a writeup and found it really interesting. I am sharing some portions of it here in this blog post. At the end of the writeup, two web links are given, to explore more from the author.

This is just for reflections. I am sure you would find many of these relatable with someone you know, or even with your life experiences.

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You pay for the sins of every guy that ** her up before you met her. Her father, her ex etc.

Because the trauma from her suffering typically overshadows the wisdom from her experiences.

Women do not improve with use. They deteriorate.

Deep down everybody knows this.

This is why being the first love of a woman of a good father is the best shot you'll ever have.

This is why traditionally women were married off young as virgins.

Because women are fragile, and as they accumulate experience they accumulate trauma that ruins them for romance.

The feminine is not built for stress. It is the masculine that is forged through the traumas of suffering, not the feminine. Women who actively have to work on being feminine aren't ascending to a higher stage, they're trying to get back something they had but lost to suffering.

The feminine is in its natural state, complete. The same cannot be said for the masculine. The masculine undergoes a journey which requires the integration of the shadow and the shedding and loss of innocence to truly self-actualise. Women attempting the same journey will implode.

There is no man you would truly consider a man who hasn't paid a trip to hell. Those are the fees we pay. That's the cost of being man. A woman who went to hell is a shadow of her former self because hell destroys femininity. Which is why it strengthens men and destroys women.

Not every man survives hell. The weak ones suicide, or become sociopathic - highly emotional, unbalanced and destructive men who lash out at everything aggressively in the same way your typical feminist woman does.

But men *CAN* make the trip and be better for it.

Women cannot.

***

Men do "need to get in touch with their softer side" but not until they've been to hell, survived, made peace with it and come out the other end free of resentment and bitterness, but fortified by their experiences into a man.

And its a good woman's love that brings that out.

The reason for this is simple. If you've been to hell, you became a monster to beat a monster, and if you're not careful, that monster will possess you (sociopathy). Connecting with your softer side is thus a counterbalance to the evil that lurks within you and helps centre you.

***

Femininity is fragile and easily snuffed out.

Warm eyes, a coy stare, a gentle smile, a general cheeriness, a shy giggle, modesty, grace and a pure heart - when's the last time you observed the captivating beauty of healthy femininity?

That's what's hard to cultivate & easily snuffed out. Their spiritual beauty is fragile.

And when they lose their spiritual beauty, all that remains is their quasi impersonation of the masculine, and the negative elements of the feminine.

And you know what this looks like, because you've met plenty of feminists.

They are all damaged, failed women.

It's very sad.

***

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#Hinduism: Daughter lighting funeral pyre of Atal Bihari Vajpayee

After demise of Atal Bihari Vajpayee, one of India's best and most respected Prime Ministers on 16^th of August, his foster daughter Namita Kaul Bhattacharya lit the funeral pyre ^[1]. That created some buzz in the media as media is always eager to cover as many aspects of the ‘news of the hour’ as possible. Media reported about the fact that a daughter lighting funeral pyre is not common among Hindus; which is correct. But it is important to note that the reason behind the custom is not any bias against women but a different one altogether.

First, Hinduism as a religion does not ban women from attending cremation or a female from lighting funeral pyres. A lot of women have done so across the times. This practice of not allowing women at the cremation site is more of a cultural practice or a social custom. The reasons can be explained in many ways.

The major reason is that daughters are perceived to be emotional and too attached to their parents and hence may not be able to carry the whole process as strongly as a son would be able to do. This should not be seen as a sign of ‘weakness’ as modern feminist could judge it as. Any custom that society makes considers the general welfare of people. In several cases a daughter may be strong enough or stronger than the son but those would be exceptional cases.

Anu Lall writes in her article ^[2] titled "Why Hindu Women don’t light funeral pyres":

"As the fire leapt up, the pandit handed over a bamboo stick for the Kapaal Kriya — breaking the skull to release the soul from the body. Several times in the process, buckets of water were poured on me, or I was asked to pour on myself. Shivering to the spine, in the cold November rain, breaking my dad’s skull, my senses were numb, maybe heart stopped beating. I must be breathing. Must have, coz I didn’t die. We came back, drenched to the bone, my soul and mind paralysed."

This just gives an account of kind of experience the doer of the rituals have to go through.

You can go through the whole process or rituals in this article on Hindu Jagriti website  ^[3].

It is an arduous task.

Even if daughters or females were allowed to do the rituals, all of them may not like to do it. Hence sons or male members of the family would take care of the process. It is very important to note that this custom is to "safeguard" the women from the trouble.

Many a time when the deceased does not have a male family member, one of the daughters or a female family member does the process. No Hindu organization issues a "fatwa" against them or any other sort of protest.

To conclude, this custom of not allowing females from doing the cremation rites is social in nature, not religious. And this custom was made to safeguard the females from the inconvenience and ordeal due to a cumbersome process, not as a form of any gender discrimination.

:: Rahul Tiwary 

References:

1.     https://www.news18.com/news/india/atal-bihari-vajpayee-funeral-live-updates-daughter-lights-pyre-of-former-pm-nation-bids-teary-adieu-1847293.html

2.      https://medium.com/@anulall/why-indian-women-dont-light-funeral-pyres-48580e52dd0d

3.      https://www.hindujagruti.org/hinduism/rituals-to-be-performed-prior-to-and-during-cremation-of-a-dead-body

Disclaimer: Views are personal.

Gender Biased Media

A few years ago, I got too infuriated with the Times of India (TOI), due to the way it handled a news report. Some policemen had misbehaved with some women-protesters in Punjab, and the newspaper chose to show the face of the woman being harassed, her horrified friend’s face, but the camera angle made sure that policeman’s face would remain unclear and unidentified. It happened in both the two pictures it printed while reporting the news. That was a wretched show of journalism and my dislike of TOI reached a pinnacle with that incident (but many more cases had to follow).

Now a day, especially when I am in office, I browse through news.google.com to keep track of the latest happenings around the world. With time I started getting surprised as to why even Google News props up images of women in unrelated news, at the slightest opportunity. One day I just scrolled down the page and found that pictures of women were dominating the news page unnecessarily and almost unjustifiably. Since news hosted on google news is coming from various sources, and each source has multiple images on it, google news should have some logic to select which image to prop up on its main page. Was there a gender bias even in this expectedly gender-neutral programming?

I look at this page which is from any normal day.

With the news item titled “OBC admission: Supreme Court upholds HC order”, there are lady students featured alongside. So if the media has to post a picture of some students, it will be girl-students in most cases.

Second item is on rains and calamities. News titled “Heavy rains in UP, Bengal, Meghalaya; 12 dead” Here too, we can see a group of five women joining their umbrellas and captured in the camera. So if some people die out of heavy rains, our newspapers will show the pictures of some women commuters walking or suffering in the rains. 

This kind of gender bias in the media is disappointing, and even offensive in a way. Such a practice keeps positioning women as an object and material, whose bodies would be for “display” to generate more eyeballs and raise some TRPs when it comes for the media. Advisers have historically used women (women’s beauty) to create a buzz around their products and services to an extent that we have stopped seeing any wrong in it. But it is surprising to me that even online portals running by unbiased search logic are selecting images of women only, for display.

- Rahul

Is new prosperity creating raw deals for some working women?

Rukmini was a girl who grew up under fond encouragement of her parents. She grew up with a dream in her eyes – to be financially independent and to work and make use of her eduction. She saw her dream come true when she got a partner after marriage who allowed her to pursue her career. She cherished her first salary which she donated in total to an old-age home. Within a few years, her businessman husband got it all coming in his ways and achieved a grand success. His business thrived on a web based business model and the influx of high earning young population. And then, he asked his wife to quit her job and “look after the children”.

Rukmini had to quit her job. She had a Hobson’s choice between her family and her job.

This story is a quite real; it is happening behind the walls of 3/4BHK flats in high-rise Indian Metros. And the factor responsible for this trend is: high economic growth and the tremendous opportunities created by it.

I wonder if India’s high GDP growth and the new economic successes are creating raw deals for some women. Just a decade earlier, it was thought that both husband-wife working was a necessity to survive. With salaries for highly educated professionals and profits of successful new-age entrepreneurs going beyond the roof, this is not true anymore. And when it comes to re-prioritizing, it is mostly women who are asked to stay back at home and raise the children.

Indeed, this trend is one flip side to India’s growth story…

- Rahul

Karva Chauth and Feminists

A conversation between a feminist (Q) and a reformed-feminist (Me):

Q: You told me that yesterday was Karva Chauth and your wife kept a fast for you. Did you too keep a fast for her?

Me: Yes, but for one hour. When I came to know that she had not been able to see the moon and break her fast, though I was too hungry, I waited until she broke her fast. So in a way, I kept a fast for her too.

Q: That may be incidental. Why is it so that only women have to keep such fasts? Why don’t men keep such fasts?

Me: We have to understand how these festivals came into being in our society. Such festivals and customs are basically traditions. Traditionally men used to go to faraway places for their work or to earn money and hence such fasts would be inconvenient for them. Women stayed at home and hence could do the fasting, in order to show their love for their husbands. And hence mainly women keep fast, traditionally. Today, we still follow the same practice but if the lady is working and doesn’t find comfortable to do it, no one can force her. But still many women keep such fast as a token of their conjugal love.

Q: So men don’t need to show their love, and only women need to show?

Me: Men and women show their love in different ways and both make different gestures to show their love for each other. There is no harm in this; as a man doesn’t need to copy a woman and the vice versa, in order to prove they are equal.

Q: Should only women keep practicing such customs forever or a change would come?

Me: I would love to see men reciprocate the symbols of love or customs for their wives too. Personally I don’t like fasting for any reason and hence I may not love to maintain this custom, but there is no harm and only good if husbands keep fast for their wives too. I would be delighted to see that happening.

Q: I find such festivals like Karva Chauth very stupid! These are made only to subjugate and suppress women, and to maintain god like stature for men.

Me: I will tell you my experience. What did I feel when I came to know that my wife had kept Karva Chauth vrat (fast) for me? I felt humble. It was a nice and humbling feeling to know how much your wife loves you and that is why she has kept this fast for you. I supported her to maintain it properly. Such experiences only take mutual love to higher levels. I don’t see anything wrong but only good in such customs and festivals. May be at one time these festivals were maintained for some other reasons. But today, most of Hindu festivals still find relevance because their intent is good. Their inspiration is good. It is very essential to have a healthy and trusting relationship between a husband and his wife and such customs are nothing but gestures to strengthen them. I say that such festivals which give either of them an opportunity to show how much she/he cares for the other, are really nice.

Q: What about the stupid stories behind these festivals? Many of them can’t be real.

Me: Look at the inspirations and intentions behind them. I feel most of the stories and legends in Hinduism are great stories told in symbolism. Their content may belong to a different era or a different world, but their intentions are really benefitting and their messages are still very much relevant for our present generations. Dashahra is celebrated as a victory of good over evil; Diwali is celebrated as destroying darkness of ignorance by light of knowledge; Holika is burnt as a symbol of burning our desires; and then so many festivals symbolically make us respect our nature and mother earth – and I believe all these festivals give us a very relevant message for our generation too. This is why these festivals have survived for centuries. They are connected with the roots of our culture and social fiber. If a festival requires you to worship your parents as bhagwan – I see only good in it. For a festival of Raksha-bandhan, will you see it as a symbol of establishing female weakness (because she is asking her brother to protect her), or will you see it as an expression of bonding between siblings? I will prefer the later.

Q: So you recommend such old customs to continue for future generations too?

Me: Why now? If we understand their true intentions and can see that they are harmless and would only result in a healthier society, there is no harm in maintaining them forever.
Post Script: I called myself a “reformed-feminist” because once I thought I was a feminist and then I feel I grew up. In the spirit of becoming a feminist one doesn’t need to become as biased as male-chauvinists are. And if feminism makes you see violence at places where there is only love, we should better choose be happy without it.

- Rahul

Good parenting

This is not about MBA, but something greater than that. The most difficult art or science - is being a good parent. Read on. I saw this message and thought to share it here. I agree with all points, except that I think brother-sister fights in the childhood are a way of learning and growing up too. In such situations, the only thing the parents have to take care about is to be just in their decisions/settlements of fights irrespective of the gender.

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Don't let your son grow up to be a male chauvinist. Teach him to respect women as equals, so he grows up into a fine young man who will do you proud.

1. Teach your son that he should never, ever strike a girl, no matter what the provocation. If he has a sister who he constantly fights with and they regularly exchange blows, he may not easily grasp the concept that boys don't hit girls. However, as your children grow, they will outgrow the phase of fistfights, so it is important that you inculcate this value in him.

2. Teach your son to question sexism by teaching him to respect his sister as his equal. By doing this, you will be teaching him to respect all women as equals.

3. Make sure your son contributes equally in the household chores. If your daughter lays the table, your son can clear it after the meal. Chores should be rotated, so no child feels that they've got the raw end of the deal.

4. Don't expect your daughter to serve your son, or your son will expect the same of his wife. And if she does not meet his expectations, there will be marital discord. Similarly, teach your daughter to respect herself and her gender by not asking her to iron your son's clothes, or to prepare lunch for him when you or your cook are not available. They can order food from out, or the two off them can scramble some eggs together.

5. Teach your son cooking. Most chefs are men, and many of the world's best cooks are men. You will be doing him a service, not a disservice, by teaching him how to cook. If he's got a sweet tooth, start off by teaching him how to bake a cake… and take it from there. There's nothing effeminate about entering the kitchen. Some of the most macho men I know love to cook, so break out of this old school of thought. You could start off by asking him to watch you bake a cake, and to help you out by whipping the eggs, passing you the sugar, etc. Get him involved, and his interest will rise.

6. Teach your son chess, teach him how to use a computer or teach him a subject at school. Don't expect only your husband to teach him things that require him to use his brains. If you teach him how to, say, use a computer, his respect for you, and consequently, his respect for women, will increase tremendously. The fact that you may be a stay-at-home mother has nothing to do with it. If your son sees you as intelligent, you've done very well! But if he thinks that 'only papa is intelligent' or 'boys are much cleverer than girls', you've got some serious catching up to do.

7. Be a good role model for your child as a father. Respect your wife, and respect her opinions. Avoid cracking sexist jokes with your son, and if you do, make sure that your son knows that they are just jokes. Seek your wife's opinion. As a mother, strengthen your child's opinion of you by not nagging your husband constantly in front of your child, by not losing control of yourself or your emotions in front of the children, and by appearing strong and balanced in their eyes.